I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
