I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
