The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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