I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
