Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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