don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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