Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
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