Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Randomize
