I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
