he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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