No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
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