you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
