A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
