Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Randomize
