Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
