someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
