Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
