and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
