An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
