i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
