I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize