its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
