Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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