just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
