if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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