just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
