we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
