I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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