I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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