Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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