My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
