I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i think i have two assholes
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Randomize
