chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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