Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
