I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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