2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
