They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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