hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
