I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize