Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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