I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
