So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
