I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
