I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
