I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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