Where is the hickey?
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
