my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize