I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
