I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
