tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
me + whiskey = a bad person
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize