He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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