i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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