We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
