If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
So squirting runs in the family.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
