And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Randomize
