So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
