I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
