just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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