i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize