Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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