I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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